Originally posted on LinkedIn on 07/15/2023

During Law Enforcement Day at Leadership Bakersfield, I had the privilege of asking advice on how to keep your cool during difficult conversations to a panel consisting of the District Attorney, Police Captain, and Criminal Defense Lawyer.

These were their tips:

1. 'Define and align meanings' (paraphrased) – DA Cynthia Zimmer

2. 'Pause before responding' – BPD Capt. Jeremy Blakemore

3. 'Pretend that you're talking to a jury who you don't want to upset' – Atty. Jared Thompson

While their tips referred to mindsets and conversational skills within an actual hard conversation, we can learn how to be even more adept by observing how they relate with each other. For instance, DAs and defense attorneys may have adversarial roles in the courtroom, but they maintain collegial relationships outside of it.

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In the same way, when clients feel stuck in their hard conversations, I invite them to zoom out and view the conversation as a single touch point in a broader relationship.

Think about it: You're likely more able to bring up a compensation review with a boss that you have gotten more face time with in the past six months than one who you have hardly seen.

You're also most likely to bring up the kitchen remodel project with your partner when you're back from a relaxing weekend trip than when either of you are too stressed from your day jobs.

You might also wish to break the news of your family relocation plans with the parent with whom you have a better relationship with.

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Coaching Prompts

So here are some coaching prompts to help you prepare for a difficult conversation:

• First, how is your current relationship with the other person?

• If it's good, then how you can leverage this relationship for your intent?

• If it needs work, think about building psychological safety first. What actions need to be taken in order for both of you to have your guards down?

• If there is none, what opportunities are there to increase your touch points?

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I've been writing online (aka blogging) since 2004, and it is always great to hear from readers both online and offline. Let me know how your conversation preparation went. Send me an email at hello@joyfultransformations.org.

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